Your Applause is the one that Matters
Author’s Note: This article was written by me for me, and the topic is one I’ve been actively tackling internally for the past year and even more so now. This is me working out my feelings and coaching myself to change my own thought patterns.
The desire for recognition is inherent, we want others to see and appreciate the work we’ve done, we are social beings and as such what our peer group thinks of us matters. It is even more prevalent today with social media and the ability for so many people to see the work that we’ve been doing, and yet it makes it even easier for us to focus on the lack of acknowledgment instead of the support received.
You may spend time and effort researching, stylizing and perfecting a blog or social media post on a topic that you feel connected to and passionate about, while in the back of your head you’re thinking, “this, this will be the one that boosts my followers and my friends will finally deem worthy enough to share”. You’ll keep rechecking to see how many likes, shares and comments you’ve received only to find it’s about the same amount as before if not lower than normal. Then you wonder…”did I post it at the wrong time, am I posting too much, did it not read as genuine, am I the only that this matters to, am I making other’s feel bad or jealous…” the internal dialogue (more often diatribe) just goes on and on. It may even spur you to think poorly of your relationships, and wonder “if they’re your close friends why aren’t they supporting you?” This is not just about social media, often times when you’ve been working on yourself, getting healthier, going back to school, reading self-improvement books or learning a new skill those closest will support you at first but as time goes on the support dwindles, and you may see your friendships and relationships in a different way.
Why Does This Happen?
“It is up to us to give ourselves recognition. If we wait for it to come from others, we feel resentful when it doesn't, and when it does, we may well reject it.” Spencer Tracy
This has nothing to do with your friendships, you must remember they are your friends not your sales team or personal entourage. Your true friends like you for you, you have a good time with each other and when things get really down that’s when they’re there. Everyone is focused on their own lives, and though at times it can be hard to remember this, you are not number one on your friend’s list of priorities.
“More often than not, the things we detest and judge in others are a reflection of the things we cannot accept about ourselves” Iyanla Vanzant
Carl Jung was one of the first to open our eyes to the concept that in order to recognize a characteristic in another we first must have experienced that characteristic within ourselves - in order to describe it we need to have felt it. Reading and digesting this idea unsettles my stomach, because without a doubt it rings true for me. There have been times in my past and even now where I’ve seen a friend succeeding in some way and deep down wanted to support them and then superficially could not bring myself to, because it made me feel inferior, ludicrous right! It is so true though and just writing this makes me want to smack myself with disgust and shame because I for one know better, but I am definitely still working on being better. Now that I’m aware of it I will force myself to go back and hit like or share, or make a point to verbalize an attribute that I admire in another…and yet it still requires effort!!! Am I bad person - certainly not, it does not stem from malice but rather insecurity. It’s this feeling of insecurity that can make it hard for me to support others and it is also insecurity that draws me to wanting approval from others.
Where to go From Here?
“Eventually you just have to realize that you’re living for an audience of one. I’m not here for anyone else’s approval.” – PAMELA ANDERSON
When you can’t appreciate yourself without the support of others you are reinforcing your own insecurity which will be seen as doubt, and if you’re doubting yourself other’s will doubt you too. When you look for validation externally you are letting other’s determine your worth, when your worthiness needs to be determined by you, you set the tone for how others see and treat you. If what you’re working on is feeding your soul, if you are becoming the person you’re meant to be, if you are able to give more to others because of the work you’ve done on yourself than that is what matters. Praise yourself, you are a miracle of nature and deserve your own acclaim.
"Do not do to others what you would not want others to do to you." – Confucius
“Do unto others as you would have others do unto you” – The Golden Rule
Once you’ve been able to find security within yourself, praising and supporting others will just come naturally. Seeing your friends succeeding will no longer make you question yourself because you will be confident with who you are and your hands will no longer be bound by comparison and judgement instead they’ll be free to clap and applaud for those you care about. You will know what it feels like to work hard towards a goal or a purpose, you will see the struggle and sacrifices that were made and you will understand that though your support is not needed you cannot help but show it. Supporting other’s in no way takes away from you, and when you focus on support that is what you will find.
Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just brought the ideas of Confucius, the Bible and Pamela Anderson together my work here is done!!
Copyright 2020 Strength & Grace Life Coaching LLC