Don't Be A Hater.
“Hey Jealousy” - Gin Blossoms
Jealousy, that devious little emotion that can be expressed in a look, a smirk, or in an off handed and off colored comment. Jealousy is more about the person expressing it and less about it’s intended target, and it’s the best frenemy of insecurity. If you’ve ever found yourself (like myself) having dark emotions around another’s accomplishments, life situation, fitness level, income or romantic relationship, then this article is for you, written by someone well versed in this emotion.
There may be someone at your gym, another parent or a colleague who seems to be doing everything just a little or a lot better than you. Seeing a person so put together, so where you want to be, makes you feel inadequate, thereby setting off your internal insecurity alarms and has you digging through your closet of emotional armor, and that’s when jealousy comes knocking at the front door (because no one can keep jealousy in a closet). You don’t have to look, you can tell it’s jealousy by his (yes in my head jealousy is a man) too cool knock, you don’t want to answer, but you also know he’ll be there for you, at least temporarily. He’s the bad guy all moms told us not to hang out with, torn jeans, leather jacket, rides a motorcycle, and he’s leaning in the doorway smoking a cigarette ready to feed you the lines you think you need to hear, so you let him strut on in, letting his sweet talk soothes your insecurities. His sweet talk is not as sweet as it is bitter, blaming these audacious achievers for having/being what you want to have/be, and telling you lies about the advantages they must have, thinking that it must be so easy for them, while you have to work so hard.
The fault finding and stories (tall tales honestly because you really do not know these ‘achievers’) about how egocentric and vapid they must be, probably all brawn, fake boobs, must have no family responsibilities, probably went to high school with the bosses son or their lives must be so empty since clearly so much time is spent on physical appearance. These statements being whispered to you have you nodding your head easing your vulnerability, allowing you to feel better, only then to feel worse when the regret for hanging out with jealousy finally settles in. Listen, I’ve been on Mr. Jealousy’s motorcycle so many times, (which is why I know him so well) and it took me several rides on that chopper to realize no one changes for the better by picking apart and finding flaws in others. In fact, wasting time and energy brooding about what other people have is time and energy that could be spent on improving yourself.
What took me years to learn (and hopefully you only minutes by reading this) was that I needed to acknowledge and own my jealousy, because jealousy was telling me something very important, it was telling me that deep down I had the ability to get where I wanted to go, and be who I wanted to be I just wasn’t willing to put in the necessary work.
“Envy is about hatred for the other person, because envy is when you think ‘well you didn’t work hard enough for that’. Jealousy is basically your dreams saying ‘hey, that is something that you care about.” - Mel Robbins
You’re jealous because you know you can be who you’re dreaming of being, do what you’re dreaming of doing so when you see another doing it don’t get angry, insecure or frustrated, get inspired. That feeling in the pit of your stomach is just reminding you of what you’ve been putting off. That accomplished person is also a glimpse of the future you, and what you’re forgetting is that you’re not seeing them at their starting point, they’ve already put in work to get to where they are now. That’s right, work, they’ve set aside time to work on their dreams: declined social events to work on improving themselves, gone home early from the party to make the most of the next morning, said no to seconds, ate salad at the office pizza party, and focused on what they wanted to accomplish. If things look easy for them, it’s because they’ve gotten to the point where they’re able to accept and appreciate the work, but it most likely hasn’t always been so easy. There were probably days where: they forced themselves to get up early, forced themselves to go to the gym after a ten hour day, forced themselves to take that online course and stay up late studying, forced themselves to ask others for help, and most importantly they were willing to say that what they wanted was important enough for sacrifice.
Now knowing this, you can either just release all of those negative feelings or you can go one step further and try to learn from them. What, yes learn from them, if they’re doing something you want to then maybe use them as a resource. I am not saying that they have all the answers, but they may have a few. They may be able to give you some advice and guidance based on their experiences so you don’t have to learn the hard way. By not being open to asking the questions and admitting that you’re trying to change may prevent you access to the express lane. You have the ability to learn second hand what has worked and not worked, you can potentially learn from other’s mistakes without having to make those same mistakes, and believe me you’ll still have plenty of your own mistakes to experience, but their mistakes don’t have to be yours. So don’t be a hater, be an inspired learner, and respect the work, maybe one day you’ll be the person who’s able to inspire and guide a previous version of you.
Copyright 2019 Strength & Grace Life Coaching LLC