Three Judges Walk Into A Bar...
The first one orders a Dry Martini, scowls at you and says “Sweetheart, you suck”.
Aaahhh yes, good old Judge Ingrid (name optional). Of the three judges that hang out at the bar called Your Brain, she is the one laser focused on you. The song “I only have eyes for you”, is about her eyes and they only see your weaknesses, mistakes, insecurities and uncertainties.
Her harsh judgement comes with a ‘supportive’ hand on your shoulder, while telling you it’s best to know all of your current flaws. Furthermore, in order to prevent any future humiliation or hurt, you must never let go of the pain of past mistakes. Shame darling is a helpful feeling. Though it hurts you find yourself nodding in agreement. She casually takes a sip of her martini, and tells you:
“You’re a little chunky to be a personal trainer, aren’t you dear?”
“Good daughters call their mothers often, while great daughters visit them.”
“I can’t believe you burnt dinner…AGAIN…he may not think it’s cute forever.”
“You know your social skills are not up to par, best to keep to yourself at social gatherings.”
Thinking that this is a form of support, an internal guiding system of sorts, you thank her for bringing awareness to all you lack. You take all of this in stride, telling yourself these insights, are how you improve, and the inner shame and disapproval is what will motivate you to become better. What you don’t realize is this is still Judge Ingrid whispering lies to keep her where she wants to be, right by your side.
Here’s the truth. The need to know when you’re uncomfortable, when your actions may be hurting others or seeing room for improvement in yourself is a good thing. The prolonged pain is not. It’s like putting your hand on a hot stove. The pain tells you to remove your hand, but thinking you need that continued pain to improve is like leaving your hand there. There can be no true healing when you are in pain, and reburning yourself every time you think of the mistakes you’ve made in the past will not help you either.
What if Ingrid was not a judge but rather a trusted advisor? An advisor who recognizes your past pitfalls and potential future mishaps, but with a different approach:
“Listen, you know your stuff and you care about your clients. You’re an example of the work you are doing. You’ve improved yourself in health and mind, showing that it works. You’re still improving just like your clients.”
“Calling your mom more will bring happiness into her life and yours, and we all like happiness.”
“Alright, laugh about it, scrape off the burnt part, and set a timer next time.”
“You’re actually more uncomfortable and awkward when you’re not being yourself. Find those that want to have deep conversations and don’t worry about what others may think.”
The use of shame and guilt as a form of motivation is just wasted energy. Your mind will teeter back and forth between doing the work that will bring about great change, and condemning yourself for not being there yet. Acknowledge what you want to work on, find the benefits of doing so, and start taking action. Work from a place of accepting of what was, clarity on what is and hope for what will be. Stroll out of that bar and embrace the day in a mindset of bright, clear, discernment without the haze of judgement.
THIS WEEK: Bring awareness to your inner critic. Take five minutes, to close your eyes and connect to your breath, then ask her/him/they to step forth. The easier it is to recognize your own Ingrid the less pain and shame she/he/they will be able to inflict. See the lies for what they are…lies.