Increase Connection and Performance by Avoiding these 8 Words

“Don’t should all over yourself” 

Words matter, I’ve said it time and time again so here it is one more time WORDS MATTER.  Miguel Ruiz stated it best in The Four Agreements “be impeccable with your words”.  Our bodies already say so much (most of it without our conscious knowledge), but our words, we choose those and we can either cast judgment and obligation or we can boost autonomy and self-empowerment.  Bring awareness to these eight words and watch your relationships (with yourself and others) drastically change for the better.

• ALL and EVERY – The killers of change

“You do this ALL the time”, or “I try and fail EVERY time”.  Do either of these sound familiar?  Do you have any idea why you want to avoid these two words?  ALL and EVERY, are absolute and extreme words, when you use them there is little wiggle room for change, you are condemning yourself or another to one lane with no choice of changing direction or behavior.  Take the two examples above and let’s switch out ALL for MOST and EVERY for OFTEN. “You do this MOST of the time” or “OFTEN I try and fail”.  Switching out just those two words gives an opportunity for change, and with each second that passes, and each new attempt there is the possibility for a new outcome.

•    NEED – Life or Death

There are very few things that are actually needed in life.  Humans NEED air, water, shelter and love, those are basic human needs. When you identify desires and wants as NEEDS you send a message of life or death.  A true need if not met brings you closer to death and adds significant stress to the mind and body when in the pursuit of it.  If the NEED is not met then it is felt as a great loss to one’s life.  Think before you use the word NEED, is it truly life or death? If not, then refrain from identifying it as a need and label it as a WANT, DESIRE, WISH or ASPIRATION.

•   MUST and HAVE TO – No Choice

There are very few things that you HAVE TO or MUST do, and generally there is no negative feelings surrounding doing those things.  You HAVE TO eat, sleep, drink water and you MUST breathe because once again these are your primitive needs. When you use the terms HAVE TO or MUST free will is taken away, and replaced with obligation.  You almost always have a choice, yes there may be consequences but there is still a choice.  Start replacing HAVE TO with GET TO and MUST with CAN, thereby reaffirming your free will while infusing positivity into the task and boosting your self-confidence in completing it. When you say GET TO, it is interpreted as a pleasure and an opportunity; honestly life in and of itself is a gift, so when we are able to (or CAN) do something it is a treat.

•  SHOULD and OUGHT – Judgment Anyone?

One of my client’s mother has the best saying “Don’t should all over yourself.”  It really is a perfect saying, SHOULD and OUGHT are two words that are dripping in poopy judgment.  When you say “I/You SHOULD do XYZ”, you’re giving yourself or others a pseudo choice and if the wrong choice is made shame will surely follow.  Make the choice one that is judgement free and ability inducing by using COULD.  “I/You COULD do XYZ”, says it’s a TRUE choice and you have the skills and capabilities to accomplish it. 

These are small adjustments that will produce massive change in your internal and external relationships.  As far as we know we all possess free will and it is a gift that is not to be suffocated.  Judgments have no place in our relationships and need to be left in the courtroom. Just because a mistake or failure happened before does not mean it will happen again, and we all have the ability to improve and succeed if we are surrounded by a supportive atmosphere and immersed in an environment of compassionate growth.

Copyright 2020 Strength & Grace Life Coaching LLC