Stop Pleasing Everyone
It’s almost a knee-jerk reaction. You hear yourself saying “yes, sure that’s fine, okay and let’s do that”, even though deep inside you’re saying “no, not fine, not okay and let’s not do that”. Your present company suggested an activity they want to do, and although you hate doing those things somehow or other you’ve found yourself saying yes.
Saying yes to:
Riding roller coasters even though you really do not like them.
Going shopping for hours, when you haven’t actually bought one thing.
Staying at the gym for an extra three hours to accommodate your client’s ever-changing schedule.
Going to social gatherings where you just feel out of place and can’t wait to leave.
Taking on the extra work of others because they seem to always have plans.
As a child you may have been taught to put the needs of others ahead of your own. That to think of yourself, your wants and your desires was a sign of you being selfish, or worse that your needs weren’t worthy of being met. Selfishness in our society, is highly frowned upon and in some cases almost considered a sin. To be the good kid, you try to please others. It is marked and noticed, “why that’s so good of you to put their needs before your own, what a caring and thoughtful child you are”. That appreciation and recognition releases a little hit of dopamine into your system, and well we’re all dopamine junkies. So, you begin to learn that your needs are not as important as others.
You keep saying yes to others, letting their needs be met, and though it makes you feel good, there’s no denying the sensation of unmet needs within yourself. You start to feel guilty when speaking up about what you want, and if this goes on long enough you become so removed from your own wishes that you don’t even know what you really want. People ask you “what do you want to do for your birthday”, and you don’t even know. With that emptiness comes resentment, and then perhaps another layer of shame and guilt, because you’re resenting someone who is getting what they want because you said yes.
What do you do? How do you fill your own cup when you’ve been taught and rewarded for doing just the opposite?
First, remember that you are here to experience joy, to smile, to be happy, and in order to do this you’ve been outfitted with an emotional guiding system. Go out and start experiencing things on your own, and start reconnecting with that feeling of desire. When you feel that longing, that want to do something do not shy away from it, instead smile and say thank you. Thank you for telling me what I really want to experience and enjoy with my time here.
Second, if you’re planning activities with others, learn to take 10 seconds and breathe in and out through your nose before answering. Learn to pause long enough to ask yourself if what is being suggested would be pleasing to you. Remember that if you don’t pause and end up saying yes, the resentment and frustration you feel towards your companion isn’t their fault but your own. It was you that did not speak up, you who shot you down before you even had a chance to say no.
Third, let others experience the joy of pleasing. There’s no denying the fact that we personally benefit from lifting others up, so perhaps you could let another enjoy that feeling. You are here for a reason and it is not to just please others.
You are worthy, you are worthy, you are worthy and we are all worthy, which includes you.You are worthy to speak and experience your desires, to smile because you are doing what makes you smile. If it makes you truly happy there’s no guilt to be found.