Your Rejection is the Only One That Matters

True Success Rarely Happens on the First Attempt.

Often times, the road to a goal is started before the most important question is even asked: do you believe you can achieve what you’re setting out to do? Believing in your abilities is not the only requirement for success but without it, you most certainly will struggle more than not. This is called Self-Efficacy.

Self-Efficacy, refers to an individual's belief in his or her capacity to execute behaviors necessary to produce specific performance attainments. - Bandura

You may have all the talent and aptitude to achieve what you desire, but there will always be obstacles in your path, and without trust in yourself and your abilities those obstacles can become insurmountable. It is your belief in you that will keep you striving and pushing onward. So how do you foster this will from within?

• Use Past Experiences to Bolster Current Confidence

What, you say you have no successful previous experiences to recollect? Are you walking on two legs right now, or are you still crawling around on all fours? You may not remember it but there was a time where you had to learn to walk, and it’s not an easy endeavor. There’s a lot of falling down and getting back up trying and failing, trying and failing over and over again until you finally make it to standing...only then to fall down again once you try to take your first step.

You may not have had success in the exact area you’re focusing on now, but you’ve had other instances where you had to: overcome, dig deep, put in extra hours, find the time, make it work and say no things that would pull you down. Remember those times, write them down refer to them when in doubt.

• Turn the Volume Down

You know that negative voice in your head, the one that creeps up when you’re struggling and starts ‘throwing shade’ in the most personal way possible, because it’s been there through all your failures? That’s the one you’ve got to become aware of and take control of. There’s an NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming http://www.nlp.com/what-is-nlp/ ) technique called “Turning the Volume Down” that works amazingly well at silencing that damaging voice. First step is figure out whose voice you’re actually hearing, it may be your own, a parent, sibling or perhaps a former teacher or coach. Once you identify the speaker, visualize them talking and then see your hand turning the volume down to mute, so that their lips are moving but you hear no sound. This literally stops the brain from going down the slippery slope of self-loathing and despair. The keys here are be aware of when the talking starts, who the voice belongs to and then visualizing the silencing.

• Don’t take it Personal

Listen, the baby learning to walk isn’t old enough yet to start judging and getting down on how long it’s taking him/her to attain bipedal status. If a tumble happens, so long as there’s no major pain he/she will most likely laugh, shake it off and try again. If there is pain it doesn’t stop him/her from trying again and there’s no acceptance of defeat muttering things like “I guess I’m just meant to crawl for the rest of my life”.

This is the mentality you need to have when you’re reaching higher only then to lose footing and slide backwards. It doesn’t mean you will not be able to make it or that you’re just not good enough, it just means you need to learn, practice and maybe use a different approach to get there. It’s not about you, it’s about the path, the path to greatness is bumpy, filled with hard terrain, unclear signs, uneven ascents, unstable footing and detours abound. The only way that it’s ever about you is if YOU decide to stop climbing and turn around.

• Learn from Other’s Successes

I’m sure many of you have heard of Colonel Sanders...yes the KFC man, but do you know the story of how the franchise began? It is said that Colonel Sanders received 1009 rejections, yes, that’s correct, one thousand and nine “NO’s” before someone said “Yes”. If he only partly believed in his recipe he would have given up long before he received that yes, and millions of people would have never tasted that crispy fried chicken in a bucket.

Find an example of someone who has made a similar traverse. Someone who’s starting point was close to yours and who managed to claw and scrape their way to success. It’s just like Roger Bannister, the first person recorded to run a mile in under four minutes. Before him, people literally thought the human body was not capable of such a feat, but once he accomplished it and showed that it could be done, tens of thousands have since joined the 4 minute mile club.

• Visualize It

“Not only can perceived self-efficacy have directive influence on choice of activities and setting but through expectations of eventual success, it can affect coping efforts once their initiated. Efficacy expectations determine how much effort people will expend and how long they will persist in the face of obstacles and aversive experiences” - (Bandura, 1977, 1986, 1997).

For many of my coaching clients I ask them to write what I call a Future Cast. The process involves writing down what one wants to achieve, as if it has already happened. It needs to be done in the past tense, be descriptive enough so you not only are able to see yourself achieving it, but feel it. Writing in the past tense tells the brain that you’ve already done it, so if you’re trying to do it, you can do it. You want to be able to feel yourself succeeding, this also reinforces the belief in your abilities.

• Get Honest and Re-Evaluate

If you truly cannot envision yourself meeting your goal, then it’s best to reassess what you’re trying to accomplish. This does not mean giving up, this means finding a smaller goal that seems more achievable for you NOW. It could be on the path to your loftier goal but may not seem so daunting or unrealistic. You have to believe that it’s going to happen, that you are going to make it - that is the key to succeeding. If you don’t believe it, then you really can’t see it, which means it’s not going to happen until you do. So start working towards goals that you believe yourself capable of, ones that stretch you but that are attainable. Do not downplay any growth, no matter how ‘small’ growth is growth and there is frequently discomfort involved. Take notice, and keep building yourself up with each experience.

There will be plenty of people that will say no to you. There will be several attempts that miss the mark. There will be obstacles and back tracks all along your path. What matters most is your response to them and your belief in yourself. The only person that can stop you from trying is you. The game is over only when you decide to walk off the field. The fact that you were born and are here now reading this, means that you already have won against unthinkable odds. Start betting on yourself, start believing in your capabilities, it’s the only bet you are sure to win.

Elizabeth SimmonsDecember 10, 2019