Embracing Internal Obstacles
part three - comparison and self-Judgement
“A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it - it Just Blooms.”
I want to look like that girl in the magazine, or that girl in the gym, her arms are so toned. Do you see her, she is so tiny, her metabolism must be so fast; I hope she knows how lucky she is. I know how unlucky I am - big bones, slow metabolism and weak lungs. I’m over here just trying to make it to the gym four times a week and she’s just fluttering around like a little pixie, looking like this is actually fun for her. If I looked like her maybe it would be fun for me too.
I don’t know how many times I’ve heard things like these, and I know in my past I’ve said similar statements. We look at ourselves, and then we look at others. It’s called the Social Comparison Theory which states that we determine our own social and personal worth based on how we stack up against others (Leon Festinger). So when we see someone who looks ‘better’, runs faster or jumps higher we place them above us. Some say that comparison can be a good thing, that it can inspire people to push themselves to try harder to accomplish goals. But this isn’t really the case. Usually as time goes on, this inspiration that we feel will turn into envy, and envy will transform into self-doubt and a feeling of low self-worth. Making it even harder to get where we think we want to go. Even if we do surpass the person we’ve been comparing ourselves against, the enjoyment is usually only short lived, because there will always be someone else for us to compare ourselves against.
“The most important relationship you have in your life is the relationship with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself”
What you need to do first is find your own self-worth. You have to be worthy of your own time, effort and energy. You are the only person that you’re never going to be without. You are also the only person that you have true control over. It is much easier to make the hard decisions and push yourself if you know that the one pushing you loves and values you. When we challenge ourselves we become uncomfortable, are we going to keep doing that for someone that doesn’t even like us. Are we going to show our vulnerability to someone who can’t even spend the time to think about us because they’re so focused on someone else?
Let’s look at our relationship with ourselves as if it were one between your best friend and their significant other. Your best friends is trying to shed some weight to impress their significant other, but all you see is their partner comparing your friend to someone else in the gym, saying “baby I can’t wait for your waist to be tiny like that girl over there,” or “I’ll love you so much more when you look like her”, would you tell your friend to stay in that relationship? Would you think that your friend’s partner actually loves them? Guess what you are both you’re friend and their partner. So maybe it would be better to see a relationship where it came from love, where there were statements like “I love you unconditionally, and I will be here by your side as you keep striving to make yourself better, to do what I know you are capable of”; “I will be there for you when it is hard, I will take hold of your hand before you even need to reach out”; “I love you, and I know how unhappy you are with certain areas in your life, but I also know how strong you are, I know you can do this and I need you to do this because I want to have the best life we can have with each other.”
“Self worth comes from one thing - thinking that you are worthy.”
If we find it unacceptable for someone else to compare us to another, then why is it acceptable for us to do the same - the answer is it’s not. How fast, strong, hot or rich anyone else is, is irrelevant to you. The only person that is relevant is you. You are more relevant to yourself than someone else is to you. Whatever anyone else accomplishes or looks like has no real bearing on you. The more time and energy you spend focusing on others the less time and energy you spend focusing on yourself and your goals.